Collected Plays, Volume 4 (Bertolt Brecht: Plays, Poetry & Prose) 8 Page 18
SEN: Who’s that?
GU: That’s Xi Wei, Chairman of the Tui Association. He is conducting an examination.
WEN has stepped up to the examination desk, quietly: My candidate is here for the third time. In two previous examinations he was asked, both times, what 3 times 5 is. And both times, unfortunately, he answered 25. He has such a steely determination. On the other hand, he’s an excellent businessman and a good citizen, and he has a great thirst for knowledge, so permit me to supplicate, Chairman, that the question ‘What is 3 times 5?’ is asked of him one more time. Intense study has enabled my candidate to take the correct answer, 15, to his heart. He hands over a purse of money.
XI WEI laughs: Let me consult with my assessors.
FIRST BANDIT: What did you always say that made them fail you?
GOGHER GOGH: 25. And that wasn’t right. Because the answer to the question ‘what is 3 times 5?’ is 15, or so I’m told.
FIRST BANDIT: But it’s the right answer if the question is ‘What is 5 times 5?’. They’d just better ask the right question. He pulls a revolver from his jacket, walks over to the desk, shows it to Xi Wei and, after a short exchange, comes back over. You stick with 25, it’s all under control.
WEN meanwhile, to Nu Shan: I’ve paid over five times the fee.
A CLERK calls out: Mr Gogher Gogh.
Gogher Gogh steps forward.
XI WEI with a twisted grin, looking over at the first bandit: Candidate, what does 5 times 5 make?
GOGHER GOGH 15.
Xi Wei shrugs and lifts his arms. Exits quickly.
FIRST BANDIT: But it was all sorted.
GOGHER GOGH: Of course, if they keep switching the questions … It’s a scandal, how they cheat a man out of his hard-earned cash. Loudly: I demand to be admitted immediately to membership of the Association of Tuis, on account of my carefully considered answer. The examiners were evidently not able to set the correct question for my answer. They’re incompetent. As a matter of fact, I should perhaps consider whether I still want to belong to such an association. Everyone knows they’re dangerous opinion-mongerers. They’d sell their own grandmothers for a well-turned point of view! They’d better all watch out. I’ll be back!
MA GOGH: Come along, you just get cheated here. Exit with Gogher Gogh, Wen and the bandits.
SEN: Come along Er Fei. I want to ask something.
GU: So don’t you want to register?
SEN: I may already have learnt the better part of what’s on offer. I’m just wondering about Kai Ho, that troublemaker, rogue and rapist who wants to redistribute the land. Exits with the boy.
4a
A STREET
Streetwalking Tuis solicit clients. Sen and Er Fei. The Tui in rags who was thrown out of the teahouse addresses Sen.
TUI: Care for an opinion about the political situation, old man?
SEN: I don’t need one. Sorry.
TUI: It’d only cost three yen, and we can do it while we walk along, old man.
SEN: How dare you solicit me, in the presence of a child too!
TUI: Don’t be so stuck-up. It’s a perfectly natural urge, to have an opinion.
SEN: If you don’t leave us alone I’ll call the police. You should be ashamed of yourself. Is this what thinking has come to? The most noble of human activities, and you turn it into a dirty business transaction. He shoos him away.
TUI running off: Filthy bourgeois!
ER FEI: Leave him, grandfather, perhaps he’s just too poor.
SEN: That’s an excuse for most things, but not for this.
5
THE HOUSE OF A GREAT TUI
Munka Du, who is being attended to by a barber, and his mother.
MOTHER: But will anybody believe you? Since they know where the cotton really is? My four maids talk about it without the least embarrassment.
MUNKA DU: They’ll believe, if they want to. Just as there’s always a tennis court for people who want to play tennis, so there’s always an explanation for people who want to believe. Mimimimimi. Tennis is a must; belief is a must.
MOTHER: So you don’t think there’ll be a problem putting this across?
MUNKA DU: Oh, there’s a problem all right. It will require a true master. You always need a master to demonstrate that two times two makes five.
MOTHER: Your family expects. Don’t go bringing shame upon us.
MUNKA DU: I take exception to that. You know full well that those who fail to deliver a compelling formulation will have their heads cut off. Mimimimi.
MOTHER: Only the second-rate heads will fall.
MUNKA DU: And I suppose they’ll only be mourned by the second-rate families! He stands up briskly.
The mother pulls a bell. Enter the two sisters of Munka Du, followed by a secretary.
MUNKA DU: Have you brought the quotation?
SECRETARY: I’ve brought two, a choice. He hands him two sheets.
MUNKA DU with his eyes closed, takes one sheet: How much?
SECRETARY: Two thousand.
MUNKA DU: That’s scandalous.
SECRETARY: The quotations are almost unknown.
MUNKA DU: That may not be such a good thing. He turns to his family: Are the creases gone from the back?
MOTHER: Yes dear. Say goodbye to your family now.
MUNKA DU: Mimimimimimimi. My dears. In agony and despair - wait, where’s the artist who’s supposed to immortalise the scene of my departure for the great competition? His mother rings. An artist enters. He quickly starts sketching. In agony and despair, the land looks to its intellectual leaders. What can they tell them? Mimimimimi. Indeed, it is the force of intellect that holds sway over the destinies of the nations, and not political power. Oh, I feel the responsibility weighing on my shoulders. Our lords and masters are going to hear something to remember from me, oh yes. I may perhaps be repudiated …
ARTIST: Hold the pose, please.
MUNKA DU holds the pose for a while: … but I will not be shaken in my opinion. Mimimimimimi. I may not return to you. But in the annals of history my uncorruptible efforts will live on: to stand by my country in its hour of need and offer it - mimimimimimimimi - my word, my unambiguous, uncompromising word. He exits in pomp.
5a
THE PALACE OF THE ASSOCIATION OF TUIS
The debating chamber.
The first day of the great Tut conference. Sen is introduced to the Imperial Family and to the Congress by Chairman Xi Wei.
XI WEI: It is an honour and a privilege to present to their Majesties, the Imperial Family, and to this great Congress, a guest, whose presence here today must strike us as symbolic. This simple man - applause - a mere peasant - applause - from cotton country, journeyed with his mule-cart piled high with cotton, here to the capital where cotton was scarce. But with the profit - and this is what is so uplifting about this tale, so beautiful, so exemplary - with his takings, Sen, the man from the north, was resolved to study Tuism! Applause. His greatest desire was to set eyes on the great Tuis who inspire and illuminate mankind. Applause.
The foyer.
The great Tuis Ke Lei and Munka Du are having a row, in the presence of the Prime Minister. An announcement comes from a huge wooden pipe: ‘Attention! The Congress is about to begin.’
KE LEI: I was to be first to speak, that’s what I was told. I know it’s hard to get the ball rolling, but I accepted, and so I should speak first.
MUNKA DU: I must insist, I am just as content to speak first.
KE LEI: Of course, I don’t really want to.
MUNKA DU: I have no wish to impose myself.
KE LEI: But if it’s what the people demand, I’ll do it.
MUNKA DU: I am ready to accede to the request.
KE LEI: But no one’s asking you.
MUNKA DU: And who’s asking anything of you?
KE LEI: We all know your game.
MUNKA DU: Your tricks are the talk of the town.
KE LEI: This is beneath my dignity. It’s not for my own amusem
ent you know. I … He pulls himself away from Munka Du, who tries to hold him back, and enters the debating chamber.
PRIME MINISTER: Come along, I’ll introduce you to the Emperor for your pains. They exit.
At the entrance there’s a little struggle going on. Gogher Gogh and two bodyguards are trying to get in.
GOGHER GOGH: I demand to have a turn. You cannot exclude a man of the people! He is excluded.
The debating chamber.
XI WEI: Your Majesty, Gentlemen! It is my heartfelt pleasure to present to you our first speaker, our much beloved Dean of the Imperial University, Mr Ke Lei.
THE TUIS sing the Tui-Hymn:
By thought we flower!
Knowledge is power.
Yours is promotion
Earth-shaking commotion
Devotion, emotion!
Cometh the hour.
KE LEI: Revered Imperial Family, Honoured Congress! Cotton, lana arboris, is the seed-floss derived from the Bombax genus of the Bombacaceae, the so-called cotton-tree, a shrubby plant with narrow finger-shaped leaves and creamy-white blossoms on both trunk and branches. It is a fluffy, fleecy mass which may be spun to produce cloth for the manufacture of clothes, especially for the poorer folk. Honoured assembly, the paucity of this said mass, lana arboris, in our market places, and hence the scarcity of cotton cloth, is what brings us here together. So. Let us consider first our nation, our people. And consider it boldly, unflinchingly, without prejudice. From time to time scholars have been reproached for discovering differences, that is to say for believing and maintaining that, amongst the people, there were inequalities, if we may permit ourselves that expression, inequalities, differences of interest and so forth. Now. Permit me to confess that I, irrespective of whether I am reproached for it or not, I share this opinion! Please, I beg you. A forest is not simply a forest, it consists of different trees. And so the people is not simply the people. Of what does it consist, you may ask? Well. We have civil servants, plate-washers, landowners, foundry-workers, cotton-dealers, doctors and bakers. We have officers, musicians, carpenters, winegrowers, lawyers, shepherds, poets and blacksmiths. Not to mention the fishermen, serving maids, mathematicians, artists, butchers, fine grocers, chemists, night porters, glove-makers, language teachers, policemen, gardeners, journalists, ceramic tile-makers, basket-weavers, waiters, astronomers, furriers, fruit-sellers, icemen, newspaper-boys, pianists, flautists, drummers, violinists, accordionists, zither-players, cellists, viola-players, trumpeters, woodwinds, wood-dealers, woodsmen and woodsmiths. And who has not heard tell of the tobacco-workers, metalworkers, forest-workers, farm-workers, textile-workers, building-workers, architects and sailors? Other occupations include the weavers, roof-thatchers, actors, footballers, oceanographers, stone-masons, knife-grinders, dog-catchers, publicans, hangmen, clerks, postmen, bankers, carters, midwives, tailors, mountaineers, butlers, sportsmen and navigators. Unrest in the audience. So. Perhaps I have been too exhaustive, too precise, too scholarly. And to what purpose? In order to demonstrate that all these people, different as they may be, are, or let us be circumspect, that an overwhelming majority, the poor, are in one respect all alike, namely that they -
A VOICE: … are poor.
KE LEI: Not at all, that they need cheap cotton. They are crying out for cotton! So. We all know, my friends, it is the Emperor who commands the cotton - muffled disquiet in the audience- not in terms of ownership, but in terms of decreeing, deciding, disposing - and there is no one who would distribute it more generously, unselfishly, paternalistically than the Emperor. Yet still it is not to be had. Now. If so many people have need of it, must it not be somewhere to be had? Honoured assembly, let me give you my response, again at risk of making myself unpopular: No! Nature, my dear colleagues, is an unruly goddess. We intellectuals are wont to shy away from simple assertions, lest they appear simplistic, lest they seem crude. Well, I shall not be shy. Where is the cotton? Here is my unimpeachable, incorruptible response: the harvest, the harvest has failed. Too much sun, too little sun. Too little rain, too much rain. The detail is still to be determined. But in short, there simply is no cotton to be had - because nothing grew.
He steps down from the rostrum with dignity. The Imperial Family leaves the hall.
XI WEI: Let me thank Mr Ke Lei. The prize judges will broadcast their decision.
The cloakrooms.
The Emperor, the Dowager, Turandot and the Prime Minister. Munka Du stands to one side, waiting.
EMPEROR: Have you spoken to the union representatives?
PRIME MINISTER: Briefly, Your Majesty.
The Emperor looks at him questioningly. The Prime Minister shakes his head.
EMPEROR: That man is making it far too easy for himself. Stupid lies like that won’t be enough. Just the opposite. It arouses the people’s suspicion that there’s something fishy going on. Just five minutes ago we were paying our respects to a peasant who’d carted cotton into the capital! No sense of realities!
At the entrance there has been an exchange. Gogher Gogh is trying to force his way in with two bodyguards.
GOGHER GOGH: I’ll remember you, and you. I have a very important communication. He is removed forcibly.
TURANDOT: I adore a bit of intellect, but that … !
EMPEROR: And the cheek! ‘Regardless whether I am reproached for it … ’ - And ‘the overwhelming majority, the poor’! Get rid of the fellow!
PRIME MINISTER: Sire, he won’t bore us again.
TURANDOT: Grandmama, it’s no fun any more. She throws herself into the Dowager’s arms. I won’t let myself be married off. Not to something like that! She gives the Prime Minister a kick. He’s the one to blame. I’m the laughingstock of the whole teahouse. Off with his head! And yours too! She sobs. No one cares about me! Off with his head! Off with his head! Off with his head! She buries her head in the Dowager’s bosom.
PRIME MINISTER after a short pause: May I introduce to Your Imperial Majesty the speaker for the fifth day, Mr Munka Du?
Turandot looks up.
The foyer.
Sen, the boy Er Fei, and Gu.
SEN: The man’s got it all wrong. There was more cotton this year than last. Where can I find him? I should tell him.
Ke Lei is led past by policemen.
SEN: What’s happened? What’s he doing with the police? Can’t I talk to him?
GU holding him back: Better not be seen with him, it could be to your disadvantage.
SEN: Do you mean to say he’s been arrested? Just because he doesn’t know the truth?
GU: He knows the truth all right.
SEN: So he’s been arrested because he lied!
GU: Not because he lied, but because he lied ineptly. You’ve still got a lot to learn old man.
The cloakrooms.
The Prime Minister is introducing to Turandot Chairman Xi Wei, who is accompanied by his secretary Nu Shan. Munka Du is with Turandot. From the debating chamber the strains of the Tui-Hymn.
XI WEI: Imperial Majesty, allow me to dedicate this suit of clothes to your revered family. I designed it myself. Nu Shan takes out of a cardboard box an outfit made of paper, printed with verses.
PRIME MINISTER: In the light of the unsatisfactory progress of the Congress, and in response to the unruly surge of applicants, Mr Xi Wei, the Chairman of the Tui Association, will speak himself, on this, the third day of the Congress.
TURANDOT: Oh, how witty! It’s made of paper!
XI WEI: The most noble of fabrics!
TURANDOT: ‘Such noble stuff as noble dreams are made on.’ Calls to the maids. I’ll wear it this very day.
A screen is brought, she changes.
PRIME MINISTER to Xi Wei: Come along, let’s go!
Announcement from the pipes: ‘Announcement: the geographer Pauder Mel has set out from the monastery of Tashi Lumpo in Shigatse in order to take part in the Congress.’ Applause.
The debating chamber.
YAO YEL: How did it go yesterday?
YAO YEL: In the country. I tried to burn a couple of bales.
EMPEROR: What on earth for? I won’t permit that. Have I no authority?
YAO YEL: How else do you expect to drive the price up?
EMPEROR: Surely not by burning the stuff. What good is a higher price if I’ve got nothing left to sell?
YAO YEL: You should study a bit of economics, and then we could have a sensible conversation. Let’s suppose we have five million bales … Xi Wei has entered the chamber. Yao Yel continues explaining quietly during the following speech.
XI WEI: Your Imperial Majesties, Gentlemen! At the beginning of this Congress it was basely claimed that China had produced no cotton this year. An insult to the Chinese people. Let me inform you that no less than one and a half million bales were produced. And attend, by what means our people, the most industrious people of the entire globe, produced such prodigious quantities of cotton! We know all about the sweat that was sweated in the rigours of cultivation by the great monasteries and the feudal estates. But think also of the millions of lesser peasants and farmers who work their fingers to the bone on their tiny plots. Let us pay our respects to them, praise be to the smallholder! The heroic producers of clothes for the little man! Applause.
YAO YEL: Just remember, in case something happens, you’ve got no head for business: we’ve got to destroy half of it before we can even start thinking about selling the stuff. All the same, I can’t have it burnt. And why? Because it stinks.
EMPEROR: It does not, only wool stinks.
YAO YEL: But it makes an awful lot of smoke.
XI WEI: And now you will ask, and the whole population joins you in asking: so where is it? Where is the cotton? Let me explain: it is vanishing.
Unrest.
YAO YEL: Has he gone mad? Stop the proceedings at once!